Continued from part 1 & 2….. Take a read before you start this if you have not read previous blog posts.
That 10 days in Santorini with my stepdad and family was definitely one to remember and what we all needed after a tough 10 months. The night of the wedding my stepdad made a speech like he had come out the other side of the dreaded stage 4 cancer treatment. The whole room of 100 people stood up clapping with tears in their eyes, this was a moment I will never forget. The day after the wedding we both got up and sang at the wedding after party, we sang a song we sang since my childhood “The water is wide”, it melted my heart as he looked at me so proud that night I look back on the video all of the time.
We left Santorini saying the usual heartbreaking goodbyes to family to go on our honeymoon but this time it was different, as i hugged my stepdad which he was pretty much my dad for 20years I knew something wasnt right.
We flew to Mykonos followed by a tour of Vietnam on our honeymoon, to my horror each day was monitoring calls and texts home, 10 days later got the call my stepdad passed away and I was stuck in the middle of Hoi An, Vietnam. I couldnt breathe and I was stuck in the middle of this local lantern festival in tears and panic. The next 2 days of flying felt like years. I spend 6 weeks at home with my mother & brother. My husband had to fly back to Australia to work to keep us afloat as I had also got made redundant from my job 2 days before the wedding.
I flew back to Australia 29th of July knowing it was around ovulation time and 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again. This time I was sure it was my stepdad looking down on me, my mother & my brother giving us good news and something to look forward too. Yet again the same feeling at 8 weeks the lower cramps and gut feeling kicked in. I was still heart broken over losing my dad and leaving my family behind. It was the first time in 12years I said I wanted to move home. My head was a mess and here I was in hospital again just after starting a new career in recruitment having to take time off for another surgery. The scan again proved the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks 6 days. The doctor advised not having a d&c as my last one had only been 4 months ago and the lining of my wound was not fully healed. At that moment it felt my whole life was crashing down with everything I just wanted it done so I signed the consent form. This time I woke up screaming in pain after the surgery. My husband held my hand I felt dead inside. They kept me in hospital for 3days to monitor me. Finally they gave me the paperwork for the hospital to start the investigation as to why BUT to find out there was a 18 month wait. Again I got another heart as a reminder my 4th one.
November 2016, 2 months later we decided to bite the bullet and get some money together to go private. We tried 2 different places with starting all of the injections, bloods, scans before we decided on Hollywood private hospital as they had the best specialists. Appointment after appointment we started a treatment called “Ovulation Induction” which I never fully agreed on as I was ovulating on my own and daily treatment to promote this was not going to make my baby stick. This was costing $1100 a month and nothing was happening. So 4 months of daily injections and pessaries and bloods each morning before work was torture. I had bloatness, cramps, nausea and headaches. Each month the hospital calling while I was at work with negative results was killing my outgoing personality bit by bit. It broke my husbands heart watching me tired, crying and in pain daily was this nightmare going to end?
We eventually got a letter to confirm we had our first appointment publically with the hospital King Edward that I had a rapport with over the last few years. So as we walked through the doors I broke down it brought all the memories back of the empty scans and drips and bad news. My husband held me as I cried. I was numb. The doctors confirmed it was a waste of time and money the treatment I had been on from the start of the year. He asked had we hit rock bottom emotionally and were we ready to consider IUI treatment. I said NO. I felt like such a failure. He rebooked us for 3 months down the line this December to follow up as we have still not fallen pregnant. Part of me eats away with guilt as I now have not fallen pregnant since the last surgery last August. Was it my fault for going ahead with the last surgery?
I spend every day on texts and chats to my friends trying to be the best friend I can asking about their kids routines and days along with seen photos. I feel the world is passing me by as my mates announce their 2nd & 3rd pregnancies along with me shopping for baby presents and attending kids birthday parties and baby showers. I am so happy for my friends and truly grateful to have so much support in my life between my husband friends and family. Like any experience you realise who your true friends are during the tough times. Not a day goes past that it doesnt break my heart as i feel like a failure of a wife and not being able to give my mother her first grandchild.
I will do my final fertility blog next monday with a poem i wrote summarising it all. I hope in 6 months time I will be updating you all with a scan photo. I really hope I have helped some women going through what me and my husband are experiencing at the moment. If you ever want to message for advice I am here.
Please help share my story and get the word out for others. Thank you and stay strong